Day 9: Choosing Your Circle - 30 Days, 30 Episodes

Matt Gilhooly: 00:00:01

I'm Matt Gilhooly and this is the Life Shift Candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever. Hello, my friends. Welcome to this 30 day, 30 episode little experiment that I am doing for the Life Shift podcast.

If you are listening for the first time, this is just a bonus series that I am challenging myself to do. So all 30 days of November, I plan on coming on live, well, that same day and recording something.

And I don't know what I'm going to do each day and I want to make sure it's on the same day and then I edit and release it and then you get to maybe know a little bit more about me. So I have a little list of prompts that I'm trying to choose from that I got from ChatGPT and other people have sent them to me.

If you have any ideas, send them to me on social media or mat the life shift podcast.com and I will put those on the list. And then when I do, I show up and I look at the list.

I'm like, what do I want to talk about today and on November 9, which is today, I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but one thing that's kind of sticking in my head, I think is the direction that I'm going to go.

So this week here in America, it was election week and a lot of people are upset, a lot of people are confused, a lot of people are feeling certain ways.

I've talked to a lot of people that are now considering not talking to certain people in their families because of the way that they voted or how they believe in things. And I've talked to a lot of people, including like neighbors of mine that are considering moving to different states or countries.

So there's a lot going on.

And so what that makes me think about a little bit or a lot is this decision that we make as humans in who we communicate with, who we invite into our space, who we make a part of our lives and keep a part of our lives, and whether or not those are requirements or those are something that are seen as good things or bad things, it's like kind of this really confusing thing and it makes me think of my own family and this is kind of, I guess, throwing people under the bus. And that's just how we go. So when I was born, well, let me go back, my mom was a twin.

So she had a twin brother or she has a twin brother or she had a twin. I don't know. She's gone now, but he's still alive somewhere out there. And they were twins, they were forced to kind of grow up together, very close.

It was a kind of a very conservative family in the way that from the stories that I've heard, I don't have actual proof and I don't remember my mom telling me these stories.

But growing up my mom and her brother would have to go like every weekend to their grandparents house instead of hanging out with friends and those kind of things. And so that was very close. And the family tried to keep everyone together. My grandmother never learned how to drive in her life.

Not the grandmother that I normally talk about on the show, but my mom's mom never really knew how to drive. My mom in fact didn't know how to drive until she was in her 20s because of kind of this sheltered life.

And the reason I tell you this is because when my mom met my father, my dad kind of was like this person that was stealing my mom away from the family. Again, these are all like hand me down stories essentially. But the way that I've seen it and the way that I've seen it play out.

And so my dad, there was always like some resentment against my father because he kind of like stole my mother away. My parents eventually got divorced and my mom was doing her own thing and living her own life. And all that time growing up, she died when I was 8.

So all that time growing up I didn't really ever see my mom's twin brother very much like maybe at holidays, but I don't ever remember having a conversation with him or anything like that.

And after my mom died, the communication, what I found as a 8 year old and then growing up was the communication between that side of the family, my mom's family, which you would think would want to hold on to a child of their daughter that passed or their sister that passed. I found that it was like a one sided relationship.

It was me as an 8 year old, 9 all the way up to 20 something, doing all the work to kind of keep this relationship going. And I think it was very much the way that I thought I was supposed to do it.

And society tells you that you have to like check that box and you need to keep that relationship alive and you need to make sure you're doing the right things. And around, I would say like in mid-20s or so, I realized to myself that like I'm the only one doing this work with my grandmother. What if I stop?

And it was kind of like a test in a way.

And you Know, I guess maybe a stubborn 20 year old, but it was a test to see would I continue hearing from her, would I get cards, would I have visits, would I be asked to visit any of these kind of things? I didn't hear anything. It was like crickets for years.

And so I just kind of like brushed off that side of the family because I realized at that point in time that I could only take care of myself. And it wasn't my responsibility to continue to build that bridge.

Sure, I guess I could have continued a little bit, but I was really like, it was so many years of me just trying to do the right thing where I was not getting any kind of reciprocal thing. And I was the kid, I was the young one in that. And so I really went years without hearing from them.

And randomly, I think in: 2012

Why I have such animosity towards you. And I do, because when my mom died, this is a little backstory. When my mom died, this is like family drama.

When my mom died, we had the wake at my uncle's house, and apparently he was overheard when someone came up and said, I'm sorry about your sister. He responded with, that's okay. We weren't very close anyway. I don't know if this is true. It seems true because they weren't that close.

As time went on and my mom kind of went off and did her own thing and did her own life. But it really, like, stuck with me when I heard that.

And it really cemented my feelings for this person who shares a lot of blood because he's my mom's twin brother. So I heard from them, and I let that in and had tough. You know, I actually said, hey, this is what I've heard. This is how I feel.

I'm not so happy about all this. And they came back and they said, well, your grandmother is sick. She's in, you know, a nursing home, and here's the situation.

And so I felt that I needed to be the bigger person and go close that door. So I went up very nervous because I hadn't seen them in years. I had never really remembered seeing him, so that was odd in itself.

But then seeing my grandmother, I hadn't seen her in years. And it was fine. It was a fine connection. We got to say what we needed to say.

We got to hug, reminisce she was not doing so well, not remembering a lot of things. And a couple months later, she passed away.

And so I felt that I needed to do the right thing and try to mend these fences and go to the funeral and connect with that side of the family again and try to do everything. And then it just became a job. It just became something where I was doing the same thing that I had to do with my grandmother.

I was part of the family, but only because I was related to them. It wasn't like we had anything in common. We didn't really connect in those ways, and they didn't really seem to care.

And maybe they did in their own way, but I. It wasn't the kind of care that I felt that I needed at the time. It was too much work. It was too hard for me to maintain that relationship.

And so I made the decision to stop and protect myself and keep the people that I connect with most around me, whether that's actual family or chosen family or whoever that may be.

My friends, you know, they stick around because we have a lot in common and we enjoy each other, and we put in the work each way, and I think that's really important.

And the older I get, the more I realize is that we don't have to maintain relationships or friendships or whatever ships with people that it's just more work to do. So we're not obligated to do that.

I alluded to this a couple of these episodes ago in a friend that I had in high school, and we became really good friends. We were, like, close to best friends, and we did a lot of things together. And it got like, to be this really toxic friendship.

One time she was just like. She said, what did she.

I don't know exactly what she said, but it was to the point where I felt that I had to measure all the things that I was going to say before I said them out loud in front of her, because I knew that she was going to take it the wrong way or something along those lines. And so it got really heated to this point where it was so frustrating.

And at that point, like, we actually called each other and we said, hey, this friendship isn't working anymore. Here's why. And here's why. And I haven't talked to her since.

I did send her a message when my grandmother died, because she was actually the one that went to the concert with my grandmother. And I think I told her when my grandmother got sick. And then I didn't update her because there were no updates.

And then she sent me a nasty email saying, why'd you reach out to tell me that she's sick? And then you didn't follow up. And I was just like. And this is why. So the whole point of this is not to say that I'm a terrible person.

Well, maybe I am. You're probably listening to this and thinking, oh, my gosh.

But honestly, I wanted to share this because I think that's what a lot of people are grappling with right now is like, how do I maintain friendships or relationships with family members or whatever that may be. And I think people need permission to do what feels best for them. It doesn't mean to go, like, torch the earth and.

And kind of blow up everything, but if something is not serving you, it might be best to try to do all you can to see that it. See if it can serve you in the ways that need to.

And if it doesn't, then you need to have those hard conversations or hard decisions and determine what makes the most sense. Because as far as I know, and I'm not super religious, I'm not religious at all. Far as I know, we only get one shot.

So why spend our days trying to bend over backwards or skirt around issues with people in our lives? Why not just choose the people we love to have in our lives and stay connected with them?

So I know this probably now that I'm saying it is like airing dirty laundry and being super controversial.

But if people aren't serving the purpose that you need them to in your life, then you need to put them in the space that makes the most sense for you. Doesn't mean cut everyone off. It doesn't mean, you know, try to, like, be a different person around these people.

It just means that you need to figure out who needs to take up the most space in your circle and how you can connect with them and live the best life. And I think when you're around the right people, you just kind of, like, feel that energy. It's the same thing.

Like, my friend Tracy and I, we've been friends for so long, and sometimes we don't see each other for weeks, but we do see each other. We go on vacations together. It's like that energy is so energizing. That's so stupid to say.

I don't know how to say it without saying energizing, but essentially, there's just people in your life that bring out certain parts of you that make you feel good, that support you, that love you unconditionally. And those are the people you need.

If there are people in your lives that are just serving a checkbox, don't put a lot of energy into that if it's not worth it to you, if it's not serving you in the way that you need to.

So for anyone listening, that's kind of going through this situation here this week in which people are voting against the things that they believe in, or vice versa. Do what's best for you. Protect yourself. This is your life. Live it the way you want to. Don't hurt other people.

You know, I think that's important, but, you know, find ways that you can serve yourself in the. In the best way possible.

And I think that at the end of the day, when we're on that deathbed and we're thinking back, I don't think we're going to regret a lot of these decisions. I know that I won't. I know that when I am, whenever, hopefully I'm just like, fall asleep one day and die when I'm old.

But I hope I don't, like, regret that I'm not connected with my mom's family anymore. I don't think I will because they weren't part of a lot of the changes in my life. And that's okay. So don't beat yourself up about it.

Think what works best for you. Work through that. Don't hurt other people. Love other people. Love the ones that love you back the most and keep those up front and center.

So there was day nine, where I gave you all the dirty secrets of one side of my family and telling you to find the people that make you happiest. Because we only get one life, I think let's make the most of it. So I will be back tomorrow. Day 10. Figure out what it is tomorrow.

If you have ideas again, reach out to me. Thank you for playing along with this. Hopefully this wasn't depressing, but if it was, I apologize just being me. So maybe I don't apologize.

In any case, have a good one. I will see you tomorrow. For more information, please visit WW the Life Shift podcast dot com.