The Life Shift Revisited: Becca Berkey's Ongoing Journey

Matt Gilhooly: 00:00:00

Hello, my friends.

I just wanted to drop some special bonus episodes into the feed that you probably have not heard unless you are a part or an early part of the Patreon for the Life Shift podcast. If you don't know, I do have a Patreon. It currently only has two tiers.

One is a three dollar a month tier just to support what I'm doing, helps cover production costs. And then there's a five dollar tier which will get you episodes early and just the, I guess, warm fuzzies for help out with the Life Shift podcast.

But I used to have other tiers where people were so generous and were offering additional money each month to get bonus episodes and possible winnings of T shirts and all sorts of things.

And then I realized a couple months ago that I wasn't able to deliver what I wanted to, especially for those of you that were giving me the extra money.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:00:54

So right now we're just kind of.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:00:55

Doing the early episodes. You'll always get those.

So if you want to support the Life Shift podcast, please jump over to patreon.com forward/thelifeshiftpod podcast and you can find that information there. But I come on here because I want to share a series of these bonus episodes that I did early on in the Patreon journey.

There are like 20 plus episodes in which I had bonus recordings with previous guests. So I would go back and we would have a conversation about the experience of sharing their story on the Life Shift podcast. Catch up on anything.

And I think these are super important and I know most of them did not see the light of day from outside of the Patreon. So I'm going to be dropping these episodes. Whatever you're listening to now is another episode. So I'm going to use the same intro for all of them.

But here is one of the bonus episodes with a former guest from the Life Shift podcast. And if you like this, let me know because I'm thinking of bringing some of this back and talking to previous guests as I go into year four.

So enjoy this bonus episode that was once released on the Patreon feed.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:02:05

I'm Matt Gilhooley and this is the Life Shift candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever. I am here with a longtime friend, Becca. Hey, Becca.

Becca Berkey: 00:02:27

Hey.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:02:28

We recorded that in April of: 2022

I don't know what years are anymore do it?

Becca Berkey: 00:02:47

Does anyone? I admire the person that knows and.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:02:52

And what I remember from your story.

I mean, I guess what stuck out the most about your story to me, and this maybe wasn't what you went in initially kind of thinking this is the moment that's gonna stand out, but that's how these stories kind of work for me.

But that moment in, I think maybe like first grade in which your teacher, when you were so excited about your shoes and your teacher kind of introduced the idea, not on purpose, not with any, any kind of bad, you know, act in it, but introduce the idea of shame into your life. And that really stuck out to me in your story.

But I'm wondering if anything particular about your story after saying it stuck out with you, like, oh, wow, I didn't really put those pieces together.

Becca Berkey: 00:03:38

Yeah, yeah, no, that's an interesting question. I tend to be a fairly like, self reflective person. I like to journal, I like to reflect. I like to, you know, try to make meaning of things.

I think that anytime you have the gift of having someone reflect back to you what you're working through or even the ways that you're working through it or what they're hearing, I mean, I think that for me, you know, just using that moment as an example, like, clearly it was profound because like, I remember it all these years later, but I think I always just thought of it as like, you know, that was the first time I realized, like, I'm poor and maybe like that's not awesome, right? Like, I, you know, I just like, you know, and so I think I always kind of thought of it in that way.

And our conversation that day was like, oh, well, like, do I do that to other people as an educator? Do I do that? You know, like, like all the sorts of ways.

I mean, I think even in that moment when I was externally processing, just like being so mindful about the ways that you can like be. And I say it all the time with teams that I manage or that I'm facilitating or even classes or whatever.

This notion of like, assume best intentions but also attend to impact. Like, yes, things are gonna go better if you can like hear what someone says.

Maybe not love it, but like be like, but I know you and I love you and I trust you. So like, I want to assume that you have good, good intentions. But also I need to name the impact that had and like, we need to address that. Right?

And so I think that it was like a moment where I was like, oh, these things are converging like something I espouse philosophically in practice.

You know, that was a moment that probably shaped feeling pretty strongly about that because I feel like if people just start, stop with, assume good intentions, it's like it doesn't take us quite far enough because, like, even if people have good intentions, right, like they can have that impact.

And so I think it's just like a reminder of so many of the things that we carry with us are seeded so early on, which isn't terrifying at all when you have like an almost four year old and you're like.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:05:49

Oh God, what am I doing?

Becca Berkey: 00:05:52

Everything I say could be planting some sort of seed.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:05:56

I've been talking to people a lot lately on some of these episodes about.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:06:00

A book called the Body Keeps the Score.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:06:02

And it kind of makes me think of that in which there are these moments that we are planted kind of in our subconscious and our body's keeping track of them and they're, you know, and you're. Oh, I didn't realize how all the things.

Because the way that you work with your teams and your people could very well stem from some of those subconscious experiences as a child. And so it's very interesting to have these conversations the deeper I get into it, because I think today I'm recording episode 54.

And so, you know, there's a lot of commonalities of these people kind of unwrapping some of these moments that kind of sat in our subconscious for so long and we're like, oh, I didn't realize how that actually connected to what I'm doing today, what I do.

Becca Berkey: 00:06:53

Yeah, no, absolutely.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:06:54

Exactly.

One of my favorite parts about this show and I don't know if this is going to sound selfish, but one of my favorite parts is listening to the episode when it comes out. Because usually, like I said, we recorded your episode in April and then it didn't release until the end of June for your birthday.

Somehow that worked out exactly on as it should have. And I was wondering when you listened to it, was there anything that like stood out to you? Like, oh, I didn't even realize that I said that.

Becca Berkey: 00:07:23

Yeah, I mean, I think that for me it was more like this, like a more of like a meta level reflection of like the ways we, like almost like gatekeep the ways that we talk about things. Right.

It's like, okay, I feel like I've learned over my life, like, okay, I need to talk about like the painful things in a way that feels less painful, like to, you know, like to go to myself probably Mostly a self self preservation.

Also, like, you know, I think I've come up against the limits of like what the people around me and I'm like just sensitive to as you know, someone who's just always been kind of attuned to that sort of stuff, like, oh, this is like, you know, not comfortable for this person.

And so I think for me it was, you know, it was like such a gift just to have that opportunity to like listen back to the ways that our conversation unfolded. And you know, I think there's, you know, like, it'd be really cool.

I don't know if you've ever seen like a graphic scribe like do like at a, at a meeting or a keynote talk, like actually like draw out what's happening.

It'd be really interesting to do that with your episodes because I feel like it, you know, because you kind of see it from like this other level and how like the little twists and turns in the conversation kind of take their thing. But, but more than that, it was like again having this like meta level moment of like. Like what?

Like, you know, I said this thing this way and I think it's fine. But I think I was like, you know, being more diplomatic than maybe I needed to or whatever.

And again, I think it's a learned, you know, we want to keep people comfortable, we want to keep ourselves comfortable. And so just this notion of like, you know, diplomacy is great, but also like vulnerability is important too.

And so I think that you know, like toeing that line and so it was just like. And not like a self judgment but just more of like a. Oh, I kind of talked around that thing versus just like naming it.

And it's like, no, some things are just like, they are just what they are. And you can just kind of be like, that's not a not awesome thing, but we'll just put that away, right? Like it's.

We don't need to make it a thing, but I should just like name it the not awesome thing that it is or alternately like the awesome thing that it is and like that impact in my life. So I think for me it was more listening to that and just having those moments of like, how do we walk in our own truth, right?

And like this notion of like the, the body keeps score. And I in a lot of like my food work, like my food justice work.

You know, I, I read a lot about like generational trauma too and like how the things that it like our ancestors have experienced like live within us as well.

And so, yeah, I mean it's just interesting to see the ways that we're, like, how can we make the other people around us, like, comfortable dealing with, like, our stuff?

Matt Gilhooly: 00:10:14

Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:10:14

And I think that's one of the challenges that I have sometimes with guests that I don't know personally is that I think so many of us, especially Americans, kind of grew up in this society in which we had to. Or we felt that we needed to be performative and we needed to sound a certain way to be credible in some way. So I'm seeing that.

seeing more of now in, like,: 2020

And by doing so, and by sharing our story, maybe someone that's currently going through it could learn from that, you know, and see hope and see, you know, all the things we were hiding for 30 plus years as, you know, individuals growing up in the 80s and 90s, you know, it feels very interesting.

Becca Berkey: 00:11:23

And. Yeah, no, that is interesting.

And I think even just this notion of, like, even when it's not like, a past trauma, just like a current experience, I think we're also socialized to, like, go through things alone. Right? Like, I mean, that is like, you know, I'm not gonna. I won't talk about capitalism, but, you know, capitalism does this. Like, it's. It's really.

It's a tool to. To, like, isolate us from one another. And I think this.

Like, I was actually just, like, a couple of hours ago having a conversation with a colleague of mine who, you know, told me she is pregnant, expecting. Yay. You know, I was. And she comes from a different cultural background, and she's like, you know, I'm talking to my mom, and she's like, wait, what?

Like, you're doing, like, you're in a room by yourself, like, what, like, after you give birth. Like, that is not okay. Like, you know, like, this notion of just like.

And I feel like I've had these profound moments, like, you know, just using that as one example of a time when you're, like, going through something at that moment where I'm, like, it is so bananas to think, like, you know, I had a baby, and then you're in the hospital and you're, like, on a floor with, you know, I mean, I'm here At a big hospital here in Boston, like, probably 30 to 50 other people going through, like, the exact same thing you're going through. Maybe not experiencing it the same way, but probably, like, having some similar sorts of thoughts, doubts, et cetera.

And yet you're isolated from one another. Like, what a weird concept to think. Like, there were people, like, literally through the walls, the room I was in, and we were, you know, and.

And I, like, I get why. And I also see, like, the detriment of that, right? Like, lack of kind of communal. This lack of a sense of kind of communal well being.

And what does it mean to be able to sit in our own and other people's, like, both pain and joy. And I think it's related to kind of what you were talking about, right?

So it can happen thinking about the past, but can also happen in present moments where, like, we are, like, literally walls are built between us that keep us from connecting, right? Which is like, something we really need as humans. And I think is really cool about the project that you're. That you're doing this podcast.

I mean, I think this notion of, like, like you said, like, everybody has their own version of this stuff, right? Like, everyone has a life shift. Everyone has maybe multiple life shifts.

So many people likely go through them alone or just with like, the people closest to them. It's like there are whole groups of people out there.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:13:56

I mean, that was the original goal. Like, I, you know, who knows what you're doing? Everyone can start a podcast. Anyone can start a podcast. There's millions of podcasts, right?

And my original goal was like, you know, I felt so alone going through my grief process as a kid. I wanted one person to hear someone else's story and be, you know, like, inspired or feel less alone or whatever that may be.

And one of our former students was on the podcast before you, Lauren, and she came on and she talked about her fertility journey and infertility struggles and the things. And she felt so alone in that moment. And this was really the first time that she had shared it publicly. Like, and.

And it could go to, you know, thousands of people, like, who knows, like, would listen to it. But what I found was interesting in her sense is that by sharing her story, it gave her power. It gave her power back.

And she reached out to me a couple months ago and she was like, after we recorded that, I went to HR at my company and, and asked them to implement this family planning thing thing in the. For all employees. And now all employees get $20,000 towards family planning. Whether that's adoption, treatments, whatever that may be.

So the power of telling your story is so. Right.

Becca Berkey: 00:15:14

Like, awesome.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:15:15

Who knows what that can do? Whether that's for you or for someone else. That doesn't, you know, that doesn't feel so quite, you know, like, alone in that.

Like you said, in that process, it could be current, it could be past.

We're all going through it, you know, and what's interesting, when you said, like, we all just went through collective trauma for multiple years, and we literally were locked down, away from each other. Like, we had to separate. So it's like, it's very interesting that we were all going through the same thing, but we had to do it alone.

And that was like a forced scientific reason. We had to be alone, which is really interesting.

Becca Berkey: 00:15:53

And I think we're paying the price of that, right? Like, on our souls.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:15:57

Yeah.

Becca Berkey: 00:15:57

You know, I mean, I see that. Like, you know, I. I mean, I feel like just with, you know, even, like, the college students I'm working with, every.

It's like, people are qualitatively different. And I think that it is like this, like, we were. We were forced to do. To isolate. Right. And, you know, it.

That goes against our very nature as human beings. We needed to do it. I am not like, you know, Right. But I think it's the repercussions of that. Right. Are also a public health issue.

And so, like, how do we actually think more holistically, right? Which, you know, so many public health people are really thinking about.

Like, how do we think more holistically about what we even mean by, you know, health keeping each other healthy, like, being in kind of community health spaces, so on and so forth. And so I think tending to all of those dimensions is. Is vitally important.

And I was, like, reading a piece today that was like, how has voting changed because of COVID And it's like, well, yeah, like, this many million people died, right?

And so, like, that has just even, like, a numerical impact on, you know, and so, like, all of the reverberations of that are so important to attend to. And I think doing that in community is vital. Right? And it can be listening to someone else. It can be actually connecting with them.

I just think, like, our shared humanity, right? Like, we. Once you lose touch with your shared humanity, it's like, a lot. A lot can go wrong from there.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:17:33

It's tough. I.

I hope we get to a space where, you know, we were so focused on physical health, or a lot of people are, and it's just like, Holistically, we need to think of our health and not, you know, our mental health affects our physical health and, you know, so these things are important. But speaking of that, like, did. When your episode came out, I know you shared it with colleagues and things like that, did you hear from any.

Any feedback from anyone or people that were like, oh, I didn't even realize your story.

Becca Berkey: 00:17:59

I, like, heard from people. I will say. Like, I. It was. It was funny because you, like, you know, you put things up in spaces and you're just like, I don't know, like, if people.

I'm like, it's my birthday, so maybe people are a little bit more likely to be like. But I. I think the most. So. So I definitely, like, did hear from some people that were like, oh, you know, it was like, I listened to this.

Like, I'm, you know, I. I want to listen to some other episodes of the show and, you know, and whatever. But. But the coolest thing was, like, the people who.

I would have never expected to listen to it. Like, I was in, like, a meeting probably like a month later with someone who's like a. Like a friend, colleague, but not like a.

Like, we don't hang out or, you know, like. But we work together, and I really appreciate her and, you know, but we don't even interact that often.

And we were in a meeting with, like, multiple other people, and it was in zoom. And she, like, private message me, and she was like, I just wanted to let you know I listened to your episode, and I was like, what?

Like, I was like, I feel so privileged, and I feel like I want an episode about you now. Like, I could listen to it and, you know, in turn, kind of like, learn. Learn about you and your perspective and all of that. And so I think, for me.

So it wasn't anything in particular that she said. I think just this notion of, like, wow, you, like, for like an hour, listen to me ramble on about things that have happened in my life.

And I think just shows that desire for people to connect with each other's humanity and when they have that. That opportunity to kind of say, like, oh, this is. You know, I want. I want to hear what this person has to say.

And I feel that way, you know, really, about almost everyone that I know. Right?

Matt Gilhooly: 00:19:37

Like, just, what are the layers?

Becca Berkey: 00:19:40

And to do it on your own time, too. Right? Like, it's like, okay, you don't have.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:19:44

To ask the hard questions.

Becca Berkey: 00:19:45

You don't have to do a thing. Like, it's like, you know, I could just Kind of do it. So, So I think that was cool.

Like, that's, that's the example that when I was reading the questions before, it kind of like popped to mind of just this, like, wow, you listening to that. That's so shocking to me. And not because, like, I don't love you, but like, just, wow, you took the time to do that.

And just like, what an honor that is even. Right?

Matt Gilhooly: 00:20:09

Like, that's a gift people interested in your story. I, you know, so much of your story or where we kind of went with it is this idea of the mosaic, right? And the mosaic table.

And like, so I'm wondering, like, is it still a table now that we're almost a year from when you've recorded or what Any life updates that are fun and exciting that that have changed since?

Becca Berkey: 00:20:32

Yeah, that's a, that's a great question.

I think one of the things I was kind of talking around when we recorded last year was I had been approached about taking on like a second position at the university that I work at. And it's like a fairly like a, like a high profile position. So I'm overseeing the honors program. And so a lot of students are involved with it.

Everybody at the university kind of has a hand in it. And I had not yet take. So if it was April, I had been approached, but I had not yet agreed to take it on. So I was like, in this, like, I don't know.

And I think, you know, even in some ways, like having the conversation, even though it wasn't about. We weren't processing that. But I think this notion of like, you know, I mean, I've been working here for almost 10 years.

Like, I don't know that this is like the thing that I'm going to want to do forever, but it could be an opportunity to develop some new skills, to have some new challenges, to, you know, learn new things, get to know new people that I wouldn't have otherwise.

And so I think that, you know, just seeing that for, for what it is and then for where it could go or also being at peace with where it might not go, I think was, was important. And so I did end up taking that on, clearly. And so, you know, I've.

Since July of: 2022

And you know, and so that's a different challenge, like a really interesting experience challenging and you know, for, for both like time and bandwidth reasons, but also Just, like, the grappling with, like, the leadership implications of those different things, you know, so that's been interesting. And I think that what that has spurred is, you know, just this, like, what am I doing? What am I about, like, you know, and I feel like it's.

I don't know if it's like, an early 40s thing, because I feel like there are, like, multiple people around my age that are having this moment of, like, you know, I think we're about, like, halfway into, like, our work or career lives. Maybe not quite, but we're. You know, we still have a road in front of us, so it's like.

But every year that passes by, like, making that pivot, you know, becomes more complicated for different reasons. Right? Like, not that it's not possible. And so I think, like, you know, bringing up these bigger things of, like, what is my purpose? What is my place?

So I'm sitting with that, and I think just trying to kind of, you know, see. See where it goes, and spending some time, you know, trying to take. Take a day off here and there to, like, just put my head around my. Myself, right?

And so I think the convergence of, like, two jobs, being a mom to a toddler, like, transitioning. He also transitioned from, like, a home, daycare situation near our house, which was so wonderful, to, like, a center here on our campus.

So, like, now my kids commuting with me and, like, you know, so it's like, a lot of those sorts of eating donuts, too. Lots of donuts. You see that? Obviously, he loves sprinkle donut. I have to. I have to limit him to once per week.

Hey, you know, because otherwise every day, which is fine. Like, that's totally cool. But just, like, they probably don't want me sending him popped up on sugar, like, every day to school. But, yeah, so.

So all of those things have changed. But I think that I. I had this. I don't know. We'll see if it bears out. I feel like I've said it enough times now that it probably won't.

s have happened. So, like, in: 2018

everything this last year in: 2022

ow, but I'm hoping, like, let: 2023

Matt Gilhooly: 00:24:53

I. I mean, I think you're right about the 40s. I think so many of us are finally. Well, you're a little bit different.

I feel like you've always had elements of this, but I think a lot of people in their 40s are finally feeling like it's okay to lean into a purpose, to lean into something that matters to them and not what we were conditioned, you know, to feel like we had to do growing up. I think a lot of us are like that. I think, like I said, I think you're a little bit like, you've always had a feeling of reflection.

Like you said, you journal and you do all these things.

Becca Berkey: 00:25:28

Really expected much of me, so.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:25:32

I didn't say that. So.

But for me, I just always felt like you always had an idea of what served you most and that was what you were going to do and kind of move into, whereas I don't. I think it took me a lot longer to get to that point of like, okay, who cares what I'm supposed to do?

Whoever said that, whatever that list looked like, who cares about that, let me lean into the things that matter to me that I care about and. And just, you know, do what's required of me elsewhere, but spend more time doing the things I want to do.

So, you know, in interest of time for you, I know you got busy, two jobs and all this other stuff. I'm wondering if there's someone that's, you know, interested in maybe sharing their story, but they're a little apprehensive to do so.

Is there any advice you could give to someone that. That might want to share it with a friend or with me on the show?

Is there any advice you could give to someone that's kind of on the fence about sharing? Maybe something that's more vulnerable?

Becca Berkey: 00:26:35

Yeah, I mean, I think my advice is, like, do it. Like, if. If it's like something that you're on the fence about or you're thinking about, like, the desire is there already. Right.

And so even if that challenge or that hurdle feels really big, I think doing it anyway is, you know, like that again. I mean, I think going Back to what we were saying earlier, like, that's.

I truly believe, like, that's how we're gonna build or rebuild our shared humanity. And I think that both having that opportunity, you know, in.

In one's own practice, to reflect, to think, to have it recorded for posterity's sake and, like, listen back, I think those are really profound questions, you know, and I would probably notice different things now if I went back and listened to the episode. Right. And. And, you know, I mean, I think that that is, like, that's a true gift. But I think, you know, putting it, putting it out there, like, I.

I think it's like, I tend to do this thing and I. I've seen it, like, in shows and stuff before too, so I don't think it's like, unique. I'm not like, inventing something here.

I'm not trying to colonize somebody else's idea. But, you know, I mean, I think this idea of like, like, worst case scenario, like, what's the worst that could happen?

And, like, know that, like, 99.9%, like, that's not gonna happen. And like, even if that's the worst that could happen, like, that's not gonna happen. So I think just putting those things out there, you.

You never know who it's gonna connect you to, how it's gonna connect them, which one of your colleagues is gonna take the time to listen to that, maybe have a different perspective on you. You know, I mean, I think it's. It's always worth the, you know, it's about cultivating our connections to one another.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:28:19

I've Recently, I think: 2022

And trying to lean into that question more, I mean, naturally, I always go to, like, worst case.

Becca Berkey: 00:28:39

I like it, though. I like it.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:28:41

Try it. It's really interesting. But anyway, thank you for coming back and having another conversation with me. I think this was really cool.

We, you know, veered a little from the questions, but I think we got some valuable stuff that I think our. The listeners will enjoy and kind of connect with. So thank you for just being you and for being willing to do this again with me.

Becca Berkey: 00:29:00

Well, back at you.

And I hope that we'll get the chance to connect and catch up again soon, or at least I guess, eight months from now, or however long it's been since we talked last time.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:29:11

Yeah, well, when I decide that I might come up to New England and visit my family.

Becca Berkey: 00:29:15

You know you're waiting for you.

Matt Gilhooly: 00:29:18

I know I haven't been back in years, but anyway, thank you for listening Patreon people, and we'll see you on the next bonus episode. For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com.